Windows has always had a horrifying and peculiar fascination for me. Version 3 crashed a lot, 3.1 was little better. I used OS2, with it's built in version of Windows 3.1 for work that required the dreaded Microsoft operating system. OS2 was rock solid, and I found myself using Windows less and less. Then Windows 95 was released – lauded as a proper 32 bit operating system, it was a bit of a cheat, built on 16 bits and ported up. It was better, but still suffered from blue screens of death, rebooting after practically every software install, random freezes and crashes.
It was about this time that I first became interested in Linux. I installed RedHat, tinkered with it for a while, before settling down with Mandrake and the KDE desktop. Ubuntu, when it arrived, was a revelation to me: for the first time I could see Linux going main-stream – a complete desktop operating system, powerful, easy to use and rock solid.
I still installed the new versions of Windows that came out – after all, I had to keep up with technology and many of my clients were trapped in the usual cycles of Windows despair: upgrade hells, driver problems, virus and malware attacks. So I installed and played with Windows 98, Windows Millenium, XP, Vista and Windows 7. While there were eye-candy tweaks and stability improvements, Windows never impressed me. Vulnerable to attack, prone to crash, multiple reboots required.
I had some issues with Ubuntu too: the change from the Gnome 2 desktop to Unity was, in my opinion, a retrograde step. I played with Mint for a while before settling down with Kubuntu, and the KDE desktop.
Recently I had cause to return to the Windows experience, like a dog returning to it's own vomit. A client, running Windows 8 was having problems installing Skype. Could I sort it for her?
Windows 8 is one of those rare human creations: a total turkey. An abortion of an operating system. A septic carbuncle on the festering backside of computing. An operating system, built for everyone, pleasing no-one. Microsoft introduced 8 as a new computing paradigm, a quantum change from previous versions that would carry the Windows flag into a new digital age. The Age of Convergence. 8 was to be an operating system that unified a common interface to desktop, laptop, tablet and smartphone platforms. A grand idea, let down by poor implementation, bad design, and a stunningly corporate lack of concern for the people who were going to be using it.
Windows 8 looks like it was designed by a modern artist paying a homage to Mondrian. It's all colourful boxes, without substance or usability. Like Unity, it requires users to adopt a totally new way of working – in Windows case, programs have been replaced by apps, which run full screen. One has to learn new techniques of working, replacing all those hard learned skills that previous versions of Windows had in common. Designed for the smartphone generation, kids with limited attention spans, 8 sinks down to the depths of the lowest common denominator. For those who have invested time, energy and money in learning to work Windows, 8 is nothing less than a catastrophic mistake.
My user had recognised the limitations of Windows 8 and had installed a shell extension which allowed her to go back to the classic Windows 7 look, with her programs, widgets and system tray information easily accessible. She had even told me that she was more than willing to pay money to downgrade to 7 which she felt more comfortable with. She handed me the laptop, and left me to it.
It was running like a dog. I didn't expect 8 to be a greyhound, but surely it wasn't an overweight pug? There must be something wrong. A quick look at Internet Explorer and the system tray pointed me in the right direction: multiple toolbars on the browser, garbage running in the system tray and a torrent of pop-ups which offered to fix non-existent errors, update my drivers and allow me to play extremely poor quality arcade games.
I sighed, and reached for Malwarebytes. The quick scan found over 500 separate nasty bits, even though Windows 8 has Microsoft Security Essentials built in (I was told this when I tried to install it), and AVG was running, up-to-date and the latest version. After the first tranche of malware was removed, I ran a full scan and found a further 80 odd problems. I then started to uninstall all the rubbish toolbars that did have an uninstall option, along with seven or eight other programs that can only charitably be described as excremental detritus of the very worst quality.
After several reboots the laptop was running a lot quicker and the pop-ups had been consigned to the severest levels of digital hell, hopefully to spend the rest of eternity alongside their creators. I fixed a problem with my clients Microsoft ID, installed Skype and was informed by the App Store that a free upgrade to 8.1 was available. Never one to miss an opportunity to be astounded, humiliated and confounded by the Goblins of Redmond, I clicked on the install button.
3 hours and 4 reboots later, I was presented with a brand new login screen which asked me all the questions I had already entered into Windows 8. I had to re-enter my client's Microsoft ID, click on a button to verify her email address (this had already been done) before it would allow me into the new version of the Start screen. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss... as The Who once sang. It all looked jolly familiar, except that the Skype, Mail, Contacts and Calendar tabs had no icons, just colourful squares with little crosses on them. Clicking on them resulted in a blue flickering screen and a swift return to the Mondrianesque wonders of Metro.
Now I'm not a man who can be trifled with in this way, and I immediately brought the Great Guns of Google to bear on the problem. Well, well, well. Funnily enough, many thousands of other people have this problem following the upgrade, and not all of them have managed to solve it. Try uninstalling the apps and then re-installing them, suggested one happy chappy. It had worked for him. I gritted my teeth and did just that.
They un-installed fine, but re-installing them just brought up a helpful message saying that 'installation has failed: error code 0x80070005'. I let a helpful obscenity escape from my overheating mind – it fled through my neuronal pathways, down the corridors of my throat and came out through my pursed and narrowed lips. Bollocks. Well, there must be other things I could do to fix this. I would not be beaten – I would emulate Gandalf, standing in the path of dark, demonic hordes, shaking my staff and shouting, “They Shall Not Pass!”
Maybe a sacrificial visit to the Goblins of Redmond would help. I accessed the Microsoft Support website where I learned the following helpful information:
“The error code 0x80070005 is also described as "ACCESS DENIED." You may receive this error if you don't have the appropriate permissions to install a particular update. This can also happen if malware is on your computer.”
There were two recommended ways of fixing the problem. Firstly, log in as an administrator. I checked my client's account. Yes, she was an administrator and logged in. Secondly, check for malware. Hang on, I'd already done that. But I checked again and this time the scan came up clean. The Goblins were playing hard to get. Back to the Great Guns of Google.
I won't bore you with the various attempts I made over the next few hours trying to get this problem resolved, suffice it to say that I failed and the Goblins triumphed. Finally I placed my metaphorical tail firmly between my legs and in desperation I installed Yahoo mail on my client's machine, logged her into it (thankfully her email account is with Yahoo!) and then downloaded and installed the desktop version of Skype which she could use from her desktop panel. She is happy. I'm not quite so over the moon.
Windows 8 succeeds in removing the user from the experience of computing. When you are running Metro, you have no way of knowing if you are connected to the internet or not. So when a web page fails to load, multiple clicks of the mouse are required just to check your network connection. Because there is no system tray, you can't easily find out what is running on your machine. It's as if Microsoft have decided that users should be deprived of any technical information, obviously because we poor mortals are unable to understand that information must come from somewhere and arrive somehow. Perhaps the Goblins really want us to believe in magic?
Bollocks.
